i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
