after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
