Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
