No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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