everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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