Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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