Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
