my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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