I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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