Don't make out with my wife yet
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
