I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
