apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
