Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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