Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
