I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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