im about as happy as oj after his trial
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
