Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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