Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
