last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
