i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
