Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
