Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
