i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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