I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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