So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
