She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
