Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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