Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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