my being single is dangerous.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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