i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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