Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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