4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
