Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
