awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you had me at cake vodka
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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