Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
