her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
