ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
