does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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