I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
