im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
