OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
