she kept yelling 'call me bella'
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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