I bet he comes in French.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
