you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I cut my penus on the lid.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
