who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
