When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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