does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How does one acquire holy water?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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