I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
