I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
