id be glad to
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
